I apologize to all my readers. In my post “in my post, “Life goes on”., I used the wrong reference. Instead of Psalms 21 it should have read Proverbs 21. Please make a note of this. Thank you
Sometimes when you are grieving it feels like your world has stopped while the rest of the world moves on.
What comes to my mind so often is that I will now “grow old alone”. I see so many couples growing old together. They are holding hands, hands that have weathered all of life’s storms together. I miss the fact that there will never be a picture of us grey haired, old, wise and loved. Their will never be a “50th” wedding anniversary. There are no “good-night honey” said any more. “I love you. ” “I love you too honey.” These are among the many things that I miss. Who will hold me when I cry over another grief ?
The answer to that question is “my Lord”. When those thoughts come to my mind and my heart aches I need to run to Jesus. God told me He would be as a husband to me. It seems to be easy to for me to slip out of that habit. I need to make the fact that God is as a husband to me as natural for me as it is to breathe. Those of us that have Jesus to cling to need to keep ourselves fully aware of that. When I feel lonely I need to talk to Him, because He is always there with me and I am never alone.
It is easy to look at my grief and losses and get my eyes off of the pathway in front of me. When this happens I stumble and fall. I wander around aimlessly with no direction. Proverbs 21:20 tells us that there is a treasure to be desired. There are treasures to be looking for. These treasures are only found in Christ Jesus. V 21 goes on to tell us that ” he that followeth after righteousness and mercy findeth life…”. My life in Christ can be abundant and full of joy. If we allow God to direct our paths we will not wonder around aimlessly feeling lost. I hope you will join me as I follow God on a victorious pathway of victory and joy.
It is very hard to believe that my beloved husband has been home with our Lord for one year already! He passed away on June 4th, 2011. Those last few days are very clear in my mind. I can remember the day that I realized that the end of his life here was closer than I thought. I was sorry that I had declined a hospital bed from hospice and was anxious to have it brought out as soon as possible. Phil spent 3 nights and 2 days in that bed. I begged God all day every day to please take him quickly if he was not going to heal him. I praise the Lord that He honored my request and did not allow him to linger here in pain. He ushered Phil into His kingdom so quickly that it felt as though a storm had rushed through.
I would love to have another chance to give my husband a big hug, or to sit and hold his hand. I would even love to sit and rub pain medicine on his feet for him once again, anything to have his presence. However, I know that those things are never to be experienced again. I also know that with God by my side I will continue to keep my hands to the plow and keep going forward. God fulfilled His plan for Phil’s life. He has a plan for my life also and I must stay close to Him so I can be sensitive to which crooks and turns I am to take . My pathway of widowhood is still new to me, even though I have traveled it long enough that it is starting to become more and more familiar.My prayer is, “Show me the way Lord in which you want me to go, and I will follow it. Guide me in the right direction for my life.”
I feel that by reaching this one year anniversary I have completed a long and difficult journey. It feels somewhat like I have jumped over a hurdle. I know that my grief will not be magically over, but I do know that with each passing day and year, it will become easier to bear. I have experienced God’s faithfulness in the worse of trials and I know He will continue to be by my side as the pathway straightens more each day. Praise God for His wonderful goodness! His mercies endureth forever!
As I sit down to write this post, I am fully aware that I soon will have come “full circle” with my loss of my husband. By that I mean that on June 4th it will be one year since he passed away. He passed away from this life into a wonderful, new eternal life. You may wonder how I can say that with such confidence. My confidence comes from my faith in the Word of God. In Romans 6:23 we are told that “…the wages 0f sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” John3:16 says,”For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” Phil did believe on Him and had accepted Him as his Savior. Because of this, I know He is in Heaven with His Lord and Savior.
I feel a deep sadness when I think of my beloved husband. I miss him terribly. However, I do not grieve as one that has no hope. I do know that we will be reunited again someday. I know that he is in fullness of all joy and that I too will have that same joy one day. I have slowly been walking down the pathway before me with all of its ups and downs, twists and turns. I know that just as I healed from the grief of my son’s death I will also one day be healed from the grief of my husband’s death.
I would like to think that now since I will soon have experienced all of the “firsts” I will completely turn a corner in my grief and not have sadness any more. However, I know that in reality there is no magical time when you suddenly are healed from your sorrow. God has held my by His right hand and will continue to do so. I can reassure you that as I look back at the past 12 months and compare them to how I feel now I can see that I have come a long way and that God has allowed me to do a lot of healing.
If you are suffering from the loss of a loved one be assured that it will not always hurt so badly. If you do not have an anchor in Jesus Christ to hold on to I can explain to you how you can have it. May God bless you in your journey.