Quiet my heart Lord


10-31-1012  written during a battle…of sorrow…won with the Lord.

Oh my soul, why art thou dishearten within me?

Knowest thou not that God is with me? Do not look back! Keep your hands to the plow and your face forward! Or better yet, heavenward. How can one feel so calm in their spirit for days, even weeks, and then fall so far in the other direction? Why does my heart suddenly yearn for my loved one so very deeply tonight?

Why did my mind take me back to the days, weeks, just prior to my dearest husband’s death? Why did I need to remember the night I sat up on the couch and sobbed loudly, awakening him from deep sleep? Why must I remember that sweet man, rising from his couch to shuffle over to me try to comfort me? Or why must I remember the time I started quietly crying in the restaurant after his last treatment? I can hear him now responding to my apology, “It’s alright. I would be the same if I were you.”

Did I say all of the things I feel now would have been important to have said? But does it really matter? Why must I allow Satan to torment me? My soul, arise up and pick the torch back up. Continue to be a comforter, not one that needs comforted. Know that you have loved and been loved, and that is one of the greatest gifts here on earth. Know that you are surrounded by the extension of that love daily by his children and grandchildren. You have been left comfortable and well taken care of. You can look everywhere and see where your beloved’s  hand has been and where he left a reminder of himself. Faint not. Forge on ahead and continue to pave the path for others to walk on after you too are gone.

All the possessions left here will deteriorate unused. But the memories, the love, the example in dying, will be remembered in my heart and soul for as long as I am still here.

God, lift me up again, that I may hold my head high and forge forward again. Please give me wisdom in all areas of life. Keep my path straight. Thank you Lord, for giving me all your promises and for fulfilling them day by day.  Thank you for never failing me.  My soul is lighter once again, Lord.  I will praise your holy name forever.

life goes on


Sometimes when you are grieving it feels like your world has stopped while the rest of the world moves on.

What comes to my mind so often is that I will now “grow old alone”. I see so many couples growing old together. They are holding hands, hands that have weathered all of life’s storms together.  I miss the fact that there will never be a picture of us grey haired, old, wise and loved. Their will never be a “50th” wedding anniversary. There are no “good-night honey” said any more. “I love you. ”  “I love you too honey.” These are among the many things that I  miss. Who will hold me when I cry over another grief ?

The answer to that question is “my Lord”. When those thoughts come to my mind and my heart aches I need to run to Jesus. God told me He would be as a husband to me. It seems to be easy to for me to slip out of that habit. I need to make the fact that God is as a husband to me as natural for me as it is to breathe. Those of us that have Jesus to cling to need to keep ourselves fully aware of that. When I feel lonely I need to talk to Him, because He is always there with me and I am never alone.

It is easy to look at my grief and losses and get my eyes off of the pathway in front of me. When this happens I stumble and fall. I wander around aimlessly with no direction.  Proverbs 21:20 tells us that there is a treasure to be desired. There are treasures to be looking for.  These treasures are only found in Christ Jesus. V 21 goes on to tell us that ” he that followeth after righteousness and mercy findeth life…”. My life in Christ can be abundant and full of joy. If we allow God to direct our paths we will not wonder around aimlessly feeling lost. I hope you will join me as I follow God on a victorious pathway of victory and joy.

One year already!


It is very  hard to believe that my beloved husband has been home with our Lord for one year already! He passed away on June 4th, 2011. Those last few days are very clear in my mind. I can remember the day that I realized that the end of his life here was closer than I thought.  I was sorry that I had declined a hospital bed from hospice and was anxious to have it brought out as soon as possible. Phil spent 3 nights and 2 days in that bed. I begged God all day every day to please take him quickly if he was not going to heal him. I praise the Lord that He honored my request and did not allow him to linger here in pain. He ushered Phil into His kingdom so quickly that it felt as though a storm had rushed through.

I would love to have another chance to give my husband a big hug, or to sit and hold his hand. I would even love to sit and rub pain medicine on his feet for him once again, anything to have his presence.  However, I know that those things are never to be experienced again. I also know that with God by my side I will continue to keep my hands to the plow  and keep going forward. God fulfilled His plan for Phil’s life. He has a plan for my life also and I must stay close to Him so I can be sensitive to which crooks and turns I am to take . My pathway of widowhood is still new to me, even though I have traveled it long enough that it is starting to become more and more familiar.My prayer is, “Show me the way Lord in which you want me to go, and I will follow it. Guide me in the right direction for my life.”

I feel that by reaching this one year anniversary I have completed a long and difficult journey. It  feels somewhat like I have jumped over a hurdle. I know that my grief will not be magically over, but I do know that with each passing day and year, it will become easier to bear. I have experienced God’s faithfulness in the worse of trials and I know He will continue to be by my side as the pathway straightens more each day. Praise God for His wonderful goodness! His mercies endureth forever!