A Little Humor Helps


I like to spice life up with a little humor. Usually this humor comes from laughing at myself and all the crazy mistakes I make while walking along life’s pathways. What some people try to hide from others I love to tell, embellish, and make others laugh. Someone will say, “Kathy, tell them about the time you….” Soon they are laughing at my sharing what most people would rather die than tell! Then there are the times when people say, “You are so funny!” and I reply, “The sad thing is, I am not always trying to be!”

Since my husband has passed away, I have still tried to keep humor in my life.  I thought I would share with you some of my latest things I have added to my décor here in the house.

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And on my car..

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Try it for a day or two. Turn your frustrating times into laughable moments. It will surely make for a lighter heart. “A merry heart doeth good like medicine.” Proverbs 17:22

You may want to check out Feree Hardy’s blog   http://www.widowschristianplace.com.Once a week she posts “funnies”. She also feels we need to add some lightheartedness into our lives.

Kathy

Twenty-six Months into My Widowhood Journey


The further I travel on the road of widowhood, the clearer the picture becomes of my husband’s present state. With that realization the picture of his last days on earth becomes dimmer each day. Instead, I have a constant visualization of him being just behind the veil. The veil is what I  like to call the separation between heaven and earth.

Two months into my third year of his passing on, I still miss him very much and think of him often throughout each day. But, now when I think of him it is not with sorrow, instead the thoughts come to me because he is still a part of me. After 42 years of marriage he is intertwined with my thoughts and decisions. I have learned that I have to control my thoughts. If I start to entertain thoughts of his last days, or other sorrowful thoughts of the years of his illness, I realize that I have to stop myself. I am past needing to go through those thoughts for healing and for learning to deal with those times. I now am to the point that the only purpose those thoughts fulfill is to pull me back into sorrow. I know that he has just left his earthly tabernacle and moved into his house “not made with hands.” II Corinthians 5:1 says, “For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.” That is where I need to picture him. He is in Glory Land, where I will be someday also.

As I go through my day, my husband is right there in my mind’s eye. He is not really that far away from me at all. As Christian’s, our ultimate victory has been to one day stand before our Savior and Lord. God allowed Phil to see Jesus face to face much sooner than any of us expected. However, I know that one day I, too, will be in the same place as Phil is, standing before my Lord.

Will I still ever shed tears again now that my husband is gone over two years? Yes, I am sure I will. But I’ll shed them because I miss him, not because I grieve for him. One day, I will meet him again never to be separated throughout eternity’s endless time.

A Glimpse of Heaven


Two years ago, on June 4th, my husband entered heaven. Two pictures come to my mind when I think back to that day. They are contrasting pictures.

The first picture is one forever etched into my mind, a memory of how my husband looked as he was dying. Because of the chemo he had no hair. He had not been able to keep his food or drink down, so he was very skinny. He had lost his immunity with a previous bone marrow transplant, so he had developed a bad case of chicken pox which covered his entire head and body. All of these factors added together gave him a very ghastly appearance.

As I now envision that heart-breaking scene, I then shift to the other picture etched into my memory. This picture is actually more of a scene.

While my husband, Phil, was taking his last breaths, he opened his eyes and looked above his head and smiled! He did this three times! The last time he had a look of surprise mingled with his smile. Both my daughters and I were so blessed to have witnessed this. We knew that Phil had seen a glimpse of those who were waiting for him. Was one of them our son? Phil’s mom?  Jesus himself?

Genesis 49:33 says that Jacob “yielded up the ghost, and was gathered unto his people.”  I believe that all believer’s will be gathered unto their own. There was something very sacred about standing there and witnessing the tunnel of eternity opening to my dearest loved one.

May we all remain faithful until that day that we meet again.

 

A Anniversary Letter to my Husband


Good morning,  honey,

The sun is shining brightly this morning, and the birds are singing. There are lots of  flowers blooming outside. You know how I love spring! A morning like this warms my soul.  God gave us such a beautiful earth. What beauty you must be enjoying in Heaven! I praise the Lord for His wonderful love and goodness! While feeling this joy, I realize that I have a still, small sadness trying to creep inside my soul. May 10th keeps popping into my head. Yes, we would have been celebrating our 43rd wedding anniversary this week! Even before I realized it, this sadness was creeping in. However, this year I can say that I have sadness, not sorrow. Last year I felt very sorrowful. There is a difference between the two feelings, and I am so thankful that God has brought me through the deepest of the waters and I am now on the shoreline.

I can’t help but think, “How nice it would have been to have if we could have been together and one day celebrated our 50th wedding Anniversary.” But then my thoughts turn around to realize that to be in God’s will is the only way to have real happiness. You are now in “fullness of all joy”  forever. Psalm 16:11 says, ” …in thy presence is fulness of joy….”  However, I know that this verse applies to me also. As I read this entire verse, ” Thou wilt shew me the path of life; in thy presence is fulness of  joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore,”  I take these words to heart. If I strive to live daily in His presence, I can always have that joy He promises.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, ” For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”  I am very thankful that God allowed me to have you for my husband. Our marriage was not perfect,  as no one’s is. But we loved each other deeply. I know that God fulfilled His purpose for you down here on earth, and He now has a further purposefor me. He gave me those precious married years, but He has a plan for me now as a widow. I strive daily to walk in His will and to be sensitive to His plan for me now.

Thank you, honey,  for choosing me as your wife and for being by my side all  those years we had together. You are still my hubby.

We may not live together any more, but my heart is still tied to yours. I love you very much.

Yours forever, Kathy

“Call Back!”


I have been praying about what to write to you as it nears Christmas time. During my devotions this morning I decided to pull out my 1979 edition of  “Streams in the Desert,'” by Mrs. Charles Cowman.  The devotional I read for today reminded me why I write this blog. I write it because I feel God wants me to “call back.”

I am sure I wrote about that topic before. Luke 21:13 says, “And it shall turn unto you as a testimony.” Here Jesus is talking to His disciples about all the trials they will go through. He tells them they will be as a testimony for them. We too have our sorrow and trials to use as a testimony of the way God always walks with us if we love Him and turn to Him. That gives the connotation of calling back to others to help their rough road that is ahead of them.

I have realized that all of us are at different places in our journey of grief. Some are farther down the road than I am and some of you are newbies. As I compare my first Christmas in 2011 to this  Christmas I can see that I have had alot of healing and growing during the past year. I often sat down and wr0te a letter “to my husband” during my down times.

I am going to share portions of last year’s letter which was written two days before Christmas. Since it is a personal letter to my soul-mate I will not include the entire letter. I am sure you understand why.

December 23rd. (5 1/2 months into my journey)

I miss you so much. You were a gem… I did not always appreciate you. But we loved each other dearly. I want to clarify here that my husband took an early retirement due to his health. Therefore, we had his last two to three years with more time together. I went on to write… I am so thankful that we had the last 2 or 3 years together. Even though I know you were sick, we had so much time together. I know it is selfish of me, but if I could have you back here, even on the couch, taking care of you, I would love it. I’d rub your feet, your legs, and your hands to help with your pain just as I did then. But I know that is no way for anyone to have to live. You deserved to be able to go to Heaven and really start living! I know God will help me through this. You would not want to come back to earth. Even though you loved your family so much, I try to remember that fact. Why would you want to come back? Who would want to leave his Lord and Master? I know we will be together again some day.

I wonder if I am just starting my grief. Was I numb before? I say this because it seems to hurt so much more now. Maybe I am in a different stage now. I don’t know. I go through the day “pep” talking myself. ( Here I listed all the many things that he always did here at the house that I, at the time of this writing, still had to remind myself to do. I shared how, when I slip, I try to do better. I then went on to write of the many things he did that he did not need to do, but he had spoiled me and did them anyway. I wrote…) I miss not having you here keeping my car clean inside and out and always pumping my gas. I miss our bed time ritual. I say to the dogs, “Well, are you ready to go up?” when it is bedtime…like we used to say to each other.

I continued to write and to thank him for the way he always took care of me and told him how I can still look around and realize that his care was still carried over to that day. I told him things I had changed or did at the house since his passing.  I told him how I am learning to become more independent so I do not need to lean so heavily on others.

Then I closed by telling him that I still love him very much and that he is still with me in my heart and mind at all times. I then wrote,  “I know you are where you belong, and I am happy for you. I know I am where I belong also. It is just very hard to accept. Knowing what is best and being able to handle that fact are not always the same. Sometimes it does not seem real.”  (I then shared some personal things and continued with the following…) I know I will keep on keeping on. I hope I can get more strength and not collapse like this so often. I know that death is a victory. It allows you to be with the Lord. It is just a transition from better to best. My problem is that I wish I did not have to be left behind. However, I realize that our God knows best and that I must accept it and go on. If you know anything about what is going on down here, please ask God to give me more strength and to dry my tears. I know now why grief is called a “journey” or, as I just read in a book,  “one foot in front of the other each day.”

As I reread that letter, I became aware of the fact that now, just a few days shy of one year of writing this letter, I can call back. I can call back to those of you who are near, or even just past, that stage. I no longer wish my husband back. I have that settled in my mind and heart. I can picture him in heaven with my son praising our Lord. I long to be in that place myself, but I am content to fulfill God’s will for me down here. I have almost mastered taking over his role around this house and have also learned when to delegate it t0 someone else  (at quite a cost I might add!) I still love him very much and carry him in my heart and mind daily. However, I can do so without so much pain. The pain is usually now best described as twinges that come and go. I do still have occasional times of breaking down, but they are much fewer and I would describe those times as getting weepy instead crying.

God has been healing me daily. This year I have accepted invitations to my church friends’  homes and have gone to church functions. Last year to go alone was too painful and awkward. So you see, I indeed can call back and tell you that the journey does get better. God does fulfill His promises. You will smile and laugh again, and you will even enjoy decorating your house again! Hang tightly to Jesus’ hand as you travel through these holidays. He will bring you through them and you will continue on your journey to healing. Joy does come in the morning! (Psalm 30:5)

God bless you and Merry Christmas!

Quiet my heart Lord


10-31-1012  written during a battle…of sorrow…won with the Lord.

Oh my soul, why art thou dishearten within me?

Knowest thou not that God is with me? Do not look back! Keep your hands to the plow and your face forward! Or better yet, heavenward. How can one feel so calm in their spirit for days, even weeks, and then fall so far in the other direction? Why does my heart suddenly yearn for my loved one so very deeply tonight?

Why did my mind take me back to the days, weeks, just prior to my dearest husband’s death? Why did I need to remember the night I sat up on the couch and sobbed loudly, awakening him from deep sleep? Why must I remember that sweet man, rising from his couch to shuffle over to me try to comfort me? Or why must I remember the time I started quietly crying in the restaurant after his last treatment? I can hear him now responding to my apology, “It’s alright. I would be the same if I were you.”

Did I say all of the things I feel now would have been important to have said? But does it really matter? Why must I allow Satan to torment me? My soul, arise up and pick the torch back up. Continue to be a comforter, not one that needs comforted. Know that you have loved and been loved, and that is one of the greatest gifts here on earth. Know that you are surrounded by the extension of that love daily by his children and grandchildren. You have been left comfortable and well taken care of. You can look everywhere and see where your beloved’s  hand has been and where he left a reminder of himself. Faint not. Forge on ahead and continue to pave the path for others to walk on after you too are gone.

All the possessions left here will deteriorate unused. But the memories, the love, the example in dying, will be remembered in my heart and soul for as long as I am still here.

God, lift me up again, that I may hold my head high and forge forward again. Please give me wisdom in all areas of life. Keep my path straight. Thank you Lord, for giving me all your promises and for fulfilling them day by day.  Thank you for never failing me.  My soul is lighter once again, Lord.  I will praise your holy name forever.

life goes on


Sometimes when you are grieving it feels like your world has stopped while the rest of the world moves on.

What comes to my mind so often is that I will now “grow old alone”. I see so many couples growing old together. They are holding hands, hands that have weathered all of life’s storms together.  I miss the fact that there will never be a picture of us grey haired, old, wise and loved. Their will never be a “50th” wedding anniversary. There are no “good-night honey” said any more. “I love you. ”  “I love you too honey.” These are among the many things that I  miss. Who will hold me when I cry over another grief ?

The answer to that question is “my Lord”. When those thoughts come to my mind and my heart aches I need to run to Jesus. God told me He would be as a husband to me. It seems to be easy to for me to slip out of that habit. I need to make the fact that God is as a husband to me as natural for me as it is to breathe. Those of us that have Jesus to cling to need to keep ourselves fully aware of that. When I feel lonely I need to talk to Him, because He is always there with me and I am never alone.

It is easy to look at my grief and losses and get my eyes off of the pathway in front of me. When this happens I stumble and fall. I wander around aimlessly with no direction.  Proverbs 21:20 tells us that there is a treasure to be desired. There are treasures to be looking for.  These treasures are only found in Christ Jesus. V 21 goes on to tell us that ” he that followeth after righteousness and mercy findeth life…”. My life in Christ can be abundant and full of joy. If we allow God to direct our paths we will not wonder around aimlessly feeling lost. I hope you will join me as I follow God on a victorious pathway of victory and joy.

One year already!


It is very  hard to believe that my beloved husband has been home with our Lord for one year already! He passed away on June 4th, 2011. Those last few days are very clear in my mind. I can remember the day that I realized that the end of his life here was closer than I thought.  I was sorry that I had declined a hospital bed from hospice and was anxious to have it brought out as soon as possible. Phil spent 3 nights and 2 days in that bed. I begged God all day every day to please take him quickly if he was not going to heal him. I praise the Lord that He honored my request and did not allow him to linger here in pain. He ushered Phil into His kingdom so quickly that it felt as though a storm had rushed through.

I would love to have another chance to give my husband a big hug, or to sit and hold his hand. I would even love to sit and rub pain medicine on his feet for him once again, anything to have his presence.  However, I know that those things are never to be experienced again. I also know that with God by my side I will continue to keep my hands to the plow  and keep going forward. God fulfilled His plan for Phil’s life. He has a plan for my life also and I must stay close to Him so I can be sensitive to which crooks and turns I am to take . My pathway of widowhood is still new to me, even though I have traveled it long enough that it is starting to become more and more familiar.My prayer is, “Show me the way Lord in which you want me to go, and I will follow it. Guide me in the right direction for my life.”

I feel that by reaching this one year anniversary I have completed a long and difficult journey. It  feels somewhat like I have jumped over a hurdle. I know that my grief will not be magically over, but I do know that with each passing day and year, it will become easier to bear. I have experienced God’s faithfulness in the worse of trials and I know He will continue to be by my side as the pathway straightens more each day. Praise God for His wonderful goodness! His mercies endureth forever!

Full circle


As I sit down to write this post, I am fully aware that I soon will have come “full circle” with my loss of my husband. By that I mean that on June 4th it will be one year since he passed away.  He passed away from this life into a wonderful, new eternal life. You may wonder how I can say that with such confidence. My confidence comes from my faith in the Word of God. In Romans 6:23 we are told that “…the wages 0f sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”  John3:16 says,”For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” Phil did believe on Him and had accepted Him as his Savior. Because of this,  I know He is in Heaven with His Lord and Savior.

I feel a deep sadness when I think of my beloved husband. I miss him terribly. However, I do not grieve as one that has no hope. I do know that we will be reunited again someday. I know that he is in fullness of all joy and that I too will have that same joy one day.  I have slowly been walking down the pathway before me with all of its ups and downs, twists and turns.  I know that just as I healed from the grief of my son’s death I will also one day be healed from the grief of my husband’s death.

I would like to think that now since I will soon have experienced all of the “firsts” I will completely turn a corner in my grief and not have  sadness any more. However, I know that in reality there is no magical time when you suddenly are healed from your sorrow. God has held my by His right hand and will continue to do so. I can reassure you that as I look back at the past 12 months and compare them to how I feel now I can see that I have come a long way and that God has allowed me to do a lot of healing.

If you are suffering from the loss of a loved one be assured that it will not always hurt so badly. If you do not have an anchor in Jesus Christ to hold on to I can explain to you how you can have it. May God bless you in your journey.

Never alone


Good morning,

The sun is shining brightly today. I took my coffee and sat on the porch swing early this morning. It was not daylight yet, h0wever the birds in the trees were singing their morning songs already. I love to  sit and listen to the sounds of God’s creation around me. Last night I heard bullfrogs from the pond when I was in the backyard. The sounds all around my house remind me of God’s continual presence and love.

When you have lost someone you love, it is easy to feel alone. If you have accepted Jesus as your Savior, you are never alone. I am very aware that since my husband went to be with the Lord, humanly speaking, I am alone. That is, I live alone. However, in reality, I am NOT alone. It is impossible for our friends and family to be with us at all times, but Joshua 1:5 tells us “Only God can stand with us all the days of our life.” Our lifetime mates and our children can not make that promise. Psalm 16:8 states that God is at my right hand. “I have set the Lord always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.”

As a deceiver, Satan wants to make us forget that God is always with us. He wants us to look at our circumstances we are in.  It could be you have lost a child, as I have. Or, you may be a young widow such as me. Satan wants us to focus on these losses and to feel like no one understands. He wants us to feel alone in our grief. He does not want us to focus on God. Do not misunderstand me. God wants us to allow ourselves to grieve. He gave us tears. He does not want us to forget our loved ones. However, He does want us to feel His presence and His comfort in the midst of our grief.

Today, keep your mind focused on God and his presence and remember that He is with you always.

If any of you readers do not have that peace and comfort to carry with you daily please feel free to contact me and I will be happy to show you how you can recieve it. May God bless you today.