How many times have you heard a new widow say, “I feel like I can’t go one without my husband”? I have had widows say this or similar. I, myself, dragged my feet moving into a new life. I wanted my old life back. Of course, this was impossible and still is. I’ve been transplanted into a new life. Psalm 1:3 says, “And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water that bringeth forth his fruit in his season…” Each time we suffer a new loss we move on to a new season in our lives. How we move on is actually up to us. The verse Psalm 1:3 says that our delight must be in the law of the Lord. We are to meditate in His word both day and night. You see, it is not by our own strength that we can move on, but with God’s help. Just as plants need food and water to thrive, we need the food and water from God. His word is what we need. God is the Living Water. In John 6:35 Jesus says, “I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst.” If we are to thrive where we are planted we need to keep ourselves fed and watered from His word. I’ve had to make a conscious effort to look at life from a different perspective. It takes time on a journey of grief before you reach the place where you realize that you need to take that step into the new season. With the loss of my son, I remember still, seventeen years ago, I fully let go of the possession of him. I finally understood that God was telling me that Matthew was His before my son was mine. And along with that, I was God’s child more than I was a mother to my son. Once I accepted this fact, I was able to move on into that new season of my life. It has been the same with the loss of my husband. As fall approaches, I realize that this fall I am looking at my life differently. At some point toward the end of these past 27 months, I grasped onto my new identity as a widow. My new life, half of what it once was, has turned into a whole. I need to daily seek what God wants for me in this season of my life. As all seasons come and go, I know that someday this time in my life will also change again. Until then, I plan to “thrive where I have been planted.” I pray that God will help you to do the same.
The further I travel on the road of widowhood, the clearer the picture becomes of my husband’s present state. With that realization the picture of his last days on earth becomes dimmer each day. Instead, I have a constant visualization of him being just behind the veil. The veil is what I like to call the separation between heaven and earth.
Two months into my third year of his passing on, I still miss him very much and think of him often throughout each day. But, now when I think of him it is not with sorrow, instead the thoughts come to me because he is still a part of me. After 42 years of marriage he is intertwined with my thoughts and decisions. I have learned that I have to control my thoughts. If I start to entertain thoughts of his last days, or other sorrowful thoughts of the years of his illness, I realize that I have to stop myself. I am past needing to go through those thoughts for healing and for learning to deal with those times. I now am to the point that the only purpose those thoughts fulfill is to pull me back into sorrow. I know that he has just left his earthly tabernacle and moved into his house “not made with hands.” II Corinthians 5:1 says, “For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.” That is where I need to picture him. He is in Glory Land, where I will be someday also.
As I go through my day, my husband is right there in my mind’s eye. He is not really that far away from me at all. As Christian’s, our ultimate victory has been to one day stand before our Savior and Lord. God allowed Phil to see Jesus face to face much sooner than any of us expected. However, I know that one day I, too, will be in the same place as Phil is, standing before my Lord.
Will I still ever shed tears again now that my husband is gone over two years? Yes, I am sure I will. But I’ll shed them because I miss him, not because I grieve for him. One day, I will meet him again never to be separated throughout eternity’s endless time.
Sometimes when you are grieving it feels like your world has stopped while the rest of the world moves on.
What comes to my mind so often is that I will now “grow old alone”. I see so many couples growing old together. They are holding hands, hands that have weathered all of life’s storms together. I miss the fact that there will never be a picture of us grey haired, old, wise and loved. Their will never be a “50th” wedding anniversary. There are no “good-night honey” said any more. “I love you. ” “I love you too honey.” These are among the many things that I miss. Who will hold me when I cry over another grief ?
The answer to that question is “my Lord”. When those thoughts come to my mind and my heart aches I need to run to Jesus. God told me He would be as a husband to me. It seems to be easy to for me to slip out of that habit. I need to make the fact that God is as a husband to me as natural for me as it is to breathe. Those of us that have Jesus to cling to need to keep ourselves fully aware of that. When I feel lonely I need to talk to Him, because He is always there with me and I am never alone.
It is easy to look at my grief and losses and get my eyes off of the pathway in front of me. When this happens I stumble and fall. I wander around aimlessly with no direction. Proverbs 21:20 tells us that there is a treasure to be desired. There are treasures to be looking for. These treasures are only found in Christ Jesus. V 21 goes on to tell us that ” he that followeth after righteousness and mercy findeth life…”. My life in Christ can be abundant and full of joy. If we allow God to direct our paths we will not wonder around aimlessly feeling lost. I hope you will join me as I follow God on a victorious pathway of victory and joy.